


Hiraeth

by MonsterXI



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Break Up, Chronic Illness, Fluff and Angst, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Marriage Proposal, implicit - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-24
Updated: 2017-05-08
Packaged: 2018-10-23 09:01:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10716300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MonsterXI/pseuds/MonsterXI
Summary: Let me just be selfish one last time.





	1. Chapter 1

Black hair and blue eyes. Delicate fingers that trail off with the rough tips in the summer. Everyday I go to work with a kiss and a frown from you. Coming home with a hug and a little smile that you try to hide many times. You dry my hair after I shower while I, intentionally holding your hands on the both sides of my damp hair, knowing you will smile and I will give you a kiss for that.

I don’t know how many times is it, but I can never get tired of you. _Of us_. Never in my life I imagine my future without you, all I know is you. Smiling besides you, holding you close, growing old with you. Just the two of us…

All I want is you. All I need is you. You are my life. I don’t know how many times I come with the little box inside my bag, waiting for someone to open it. When I thought today finally is the day, asking you for forever. I hold your hands, bumping my head with yours just the way you like it, I gave the silver band to you, asking you once again to be with me.

You gave a surprised look as if you never expecting that. You stayed silence, saying that you need time. I hummed and gave you the box to take your time.

One day I come home just like any other day. Stepping in into our apartment, hoping to get your hug and your smiles. But I couldn’t seem to find you there. I looked at the table, where you rested the band that I gave you. I don’t understand.

I could see some things missing through our half-opened room. I can’t understand. I stood there, looking at the band before taking it in my palm. Tell me,

Did I ask something _forbidden_ ?

If yes, please come back… _I don’t want to lose you._ I won’t ask you again. Please come back…

I’m sorry. I won’t do it again.

* * *

 

Never I imagine my life without you. Sometimes, I wonder what are you doing right now ? Did you still love me ? Did you still remember us ?

I stood there once again. In front of the white door that I can’t open even though it’s not locked. I forget how many times I come here, just standing there, waiting for you by any chance will come out. But today is different. I took a deep breath and finally opened the door.

The first thing I saw was your tired face, laying on the soft bed peacefully. Your black strands glowing because of the light that came through the windows that took my breath away, I walked towards your sleeping figure carefully as if the floor was a fragile glass. I braced myself to hold your cold hands with my warms ones. It has been to long that I forget how your hands feel like. I forget things about you, but I know one still remains. _Hey, Tobio… Will you say yes ?_

* * *

Is it selfish of me ? Loving someone just like a normal person ?

Is it selfish of me ? Wanting a life with you.

_Is it really selfish of me ?_

 

The silver-haired male that I have known for years sitting in front of me. Just like our countless appointments. I wonder, how is it feels like ? To be there and not thinking anything else. Not thinking about the black hole that slowly stealing the light in me nor the feelings that selfishly grow inside.

I wonder how is it feels like.

It’s painful how the things you want come crumbling down in front of you in a second. Or how careless of me wanting something that I can’t reach. Is it really the end ?

I still wonder how your life is going ? Did I hurt you ? I’m sorry if I did. When you bumped your head with mine and hold my hands awkwardly, and when you gave me that box. I want to say yes. I want to be with you forever. I want you.

But _I don’t have forever._

I’m sorry…

* * *

 

Everyday my body feels weak. I threw up four times today. I wonder, how are you doing ? The doctor that is my senpai said that it’s the side effect. I don’t understand why he feels so guilty… It’s not like I will live longer, right ?

I slumped myself vulnerably on the bed. It’s not that bad, after all everything will stop tomorrow or maybe next week or maybe next month. _It really is not that bad._

Before I know it, I’m starting to fall in the drowsiness. I wonder, will this be my last sleep ? I took a deep breath and exhaled it heavily. The moment I shut my eyes closed, the pain starting to pile up. Tears starting to build. I can’t tell anymore are these the tears from the pain or the tears because of how miserable my life is. It’s hard to open my eyes again. But once again, I have no other choice. There is _no_ other choice.

* * *

 

I feel a warm hands touching mine, it’s faint but I can still feel it. That person stroked my hair softly while kissing my cold fingers. I tried to open my eyes. It was blurry at first, but those brown locks only belongs to one person.

_“Tobio…”_

You called my name so simply. I missed your voice. I miss your eyes. I miss you. I tried to speak, but my voice won’t come out, you keep stroking my hair to calm me down. Looking at me with those brown eyes. Aren’t you disgust of me ?

“Why ? Why don’t you tell me ?” He asked, tightening his grip on my hands while his forehead leaning against our intertwined hands.

“Why, Tobio ? Why ? Why do you… Why do you leave me ?” He finally asked.

I can feel his tears streaming down on his cheeks, some of them fall onto my hands.

_I’m sorry._

“Do you know how many times I come home alone ? How many times I’m searching you ? How many times I asked myself, _“When things go wrong ?”_ , _“What did I do wrong ?”_ ” He said.

_I’m sorry._

“You know… Sometimes I think you left me because you fall for another or you finally done with my bullshits or you realize that you’re too good for me. Sometimes I think, will I meet you again before I reach 70 ? Will you be happy then ? Because if you are, then I can be happy too. But I’m also scared knowing the fact that I can’t be the one for you, because you’re the only one for me, I can’t be enough for you, because you’re enough for me… Don’t leave me like that Tobio…” He said, choking on his sobs.

_Did I make you like this ?_

“You… I don’t want you to go through these as if you’re alone… You have me… Don’t act as if you’re fighting alone, I’m here. _I’m here, you have me here._ ”

_Is it selfish of me ?_

_It is._

“Ah !”

I tried to speak. My throat hurts and thirst of water, but none of those stopped my voice from coming out. I want to tell you the same, I miss you. I don’t want to fight alone anymore. But isn’t it selfish ? These memory will hurt you and I don’t want that. I will hurt you and I hate that. I tried to run on a concrete path by myself, but once again you always find a way to catch me up.

“I-I don’t… Don’t want to be alone…”

I feel my eyes stung, then tears starting to form. I gulped down the lump in my burning throat. My eyes blurry but I can see clearly. You smiled brightly and hold me close. I cried in your arms but I feel warm.

“Tobio-chan… Will you marry me ?”

You said once again, whispering to my ears just like lullaby as if it’s the only words for me to hear. I know it will hurt us, it will hurt you.

But let me just be selfish one last time.

_“Yes."_


	2. Chapter 2

The scent of new flowers and fresh soil filled his senses. He walked on the pebbled path while holding on something that have gone long time ago. The burning scent piercing, graced the place where the love of his life stays. There, placed the flowers that had dried, fleeing like time that will never come back.

* * *

 

“Five months. Maybe more maybe less…”

The silence took over the room as the silver haired man spoke his words. They knew this would come but the words felt like an end of everything. Just like watching a bomb that is about to explode but you couldn’t do nothing.

“I-I’m sorry…”

The man spoke again with a trembling voice. There is nothing to be sorry… This is his life and maybe those years of fighting is not enough. But that’s okay. It’s okay.

“There is nothing to be sorry, Suga-chan.”

The man that is sitting beside him replied with a bitter smile while his hand tightening around his skinny ones. The black haired male smiled while returning the embrace.

“Thank you, Sugawara-san…”

The raven said with his biggest smile while his blue eyes reflecting the outside view from the window in front of him.

“I-I can tr-“

“No. It’s fine, Sugawara-san. I’m… I’m really happy. Can… Can I ask just one last thing ?”

The doctor gave him a shocked look before nodding weakly.

“I want to spend those time in my house. Can I ?”

He said still with a smile. It’s not that kind of creepy smile. It’s more like a smile that accepted what had been his destiny from the start.

The doctor gave him silence. They can try many things but there is no guarantee that it will work. What if it’s not ? Kageyama will spend his remaining life laying on the white bed with machines that barely keeps him alive. The images starting to flow in his mind. He doesn’t want that. As a doctor and a friend, he can’t watch that. Life is cruel.

He gave him an understanding nod as the couple walked off. Life is greedy.

* * *

 

“Ahh… It’s good to be home, right, Oikawa-san ?”

“Yeah… I love you, Tobio. Welcome home.”

The brunette said while holding the other close. Hiding his tears and fear. Fear of losing the person in front of him just like the air that he can’t grasp. Sometimes he needs to be reminded of the cruelty of time.

“I’m home.”

The younger man said while hugging him back.

* * *

 

Time passed by just like the clouds that keep moving by the wind. Good morning kisses on the forehead with words left unsaid, the smell of warm breakfast being made, the small laughter that filled the once empty house, the warmth that is spreading on skin once again just like that summer. The fuzzy feeling filled the heart of both men, but they knew better not to break down and cry into tears, crying at how their life is being torn apart. _They knew better._

He said “I love you.” Everyday. He kissed him every single day. Hugged him close only to prove that the other is still alive. He doesn’t know what will he do when things finally disappeared. He doesn’t know what will he do without him. Everything is always about him.

He caressed the other’s pale cheek who is breathing evenly. He wished he can stop the time or change the fate. He doesn’t want to lose him. He is everything to him. He is his world. He’s all he wants and needs. Is it really that hard to fulfill ?

He was willing to give anything just to be with him. Is it not enough ? It is really funny to him. Kageyama is someone he used to hate, someone who he despised with all of his life, and now everything has changed. Kageyama is someone he was willing to spend all his life with, is this his punishment ?

“Oikawa-san ? What are you doing ?”

The others said whole rubbing the corner of his eyes in tiredness. He can’t help but to smile and give him a kiss on the forehead.

“Nothing, Tobio-chan. Sorry to wake you up, let’s sleep again, okay ?”

Kageyama replied with a weak hum and pulling him closer with him. That day they hugged each other as if it was the last time they will hug, feeling warm and safe. If it really is the last time, he doesn’t mind repeating it all over again, just to be with Tobio, meant everything to him.

Just when everything went well, Kageyama’s sickness went out of the control, he threw up countless time everyday, he can’t get up from bed, he won’t eat his food.

It hurts. Moving a single tips of my finger is so hard as if I’m just a doll. I feel like my head is so heavy and I lost control of my body. I know this would come, yet the feeling of vanishing is still a fear in him. The feeling of not waking up in the morning with the brunette, the feeling of being loved and savored in the way nobody could give, he doesn’t want to lose that. It’s selfish, he knows that but neither saying yes and married the older man.

“Feeling warm enough, Tobio ?”

“Yeah…”

He answered in a raspy voice. They were in the hospital, once again back to where it begins.

“Sleep with me, Tooru.”

The older man gave him a small laugh and ran his fingers through his raven strands softly before slipping in besides him. It was packed, but he didn’t mind at all.

They looked each other eyes without any words spoken. Just scanning the others faces in silent.

“I love you, Tooru.”

He said breaking the silence while tears slowly forming and streaming down on his pale cheeks that soon gone in the white sheet. He doesn’t know why he’s crying, but everything just seems worth to cry.

“Don’t cry Tobio… I love you too.”

“I love you Tobio…”

The other kept saying it like a mantra with a hushing sound while hugging him close. Why is it this painful ? All he wants is just to stay by the older man side.

“I love you Tooru… I love you so much. I love you…”

He replied back while crying on the other’s man shoulder. The brunette silently crying, but he can’t cry now. Tobio is here, he must stay strong for him. He must look okay.

They continued to say “I love you” to each other as if those words aren’t enough until they fall asleep.

Waking up first, Kageyama opened his eyes slowly, secretly touching the other’s cheek with tenderness. He smiled at how he can still feel the others, skin to skin.

“I love you, Tooru. So damn much. I’m sorry… Thank you for loving me… I-I love you, I’m sorry.”

He said once again, holding the cries that is about to burst out. He bit his lips, hiding his sobs. He took a deep breath and exhales it slowly, he saw the other’s face once again before closing his eyes, smiling. He took a long breath, and released it groggily.

He finally gave up from fighting the black hole that is consuming him slowly. He finally accepted it, maybe this is how things going to end, but he didn’t mind, he knows the others loves him the same. That’s enough. If the brunette forgets him, it’s okay, because he once knew, the others ever loved him.

_I love you, Tooru… So, so much. I’m sorry, thank you, goodbye._

* * *

 

People came and go from the place where the raven falls into the deep sleep. He just stood there, behind the crowds as the people putting down his lover to be buried inside forever. He wants to cry so hard, but no tears come out. He wants to scream and destroy everything, but he feels weak.

Even when the people, one by one went away, he still stood there before walking towards the love of his life. He touched the other’s printed names, while his head bumped slightly on the side. Tears hit the new printed name, never ending, letting himself be vulnerable.

“Tobio… Tobio…”

He called countless times, even though he knows no one will answer it. There will be no more Tobio, there will be no more smiles and happiness. He doesn’t know what he will do from now on. He misses him. It’s not that long the last time he touched the raven, but he misses already. It felt different. It’s not the same. He was not ready, a life without him is meaningless. It meant nothing but an empty shell.

He can hear the sound of footstep behind him, then a firm hold on his shoulder. He turned around only to find his best friend and the once beauty of Karasuno which is his best friend wife looking at him with sad looking.

“I love him, Iwa-chan…”

“I know.”

“I love him…”

Iwaizumi just patted his shoulder as an understanding gesture. After a few minutes, they finally walking away from that place, he walked slowly with heavy steps. Once again, he turned around to see the place where his lover sleeps, heavy heart. Buried with the same old story. Black hole printed inside of him.

_Tobio,_

_I love you. Thank you. Goodbye._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you understand the first paragraph I tried to describe a cemetery in the the Japan kind of style where they burnt like a fragrant stick. (Some of my family members are buddhist)  
> And sorry if I said this in a rude way, I didn't mean any of that.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for the grammar or some mistakes. I typed it without thinking twice like ideas just flowing and my fingers won't stop moving.


End file.
